


The Absence of your Smile

by orphan_account



Series: The Absence of your Smile [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Sexy Zone
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 23:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For most people, Nakajima Kento was one of those dazzling, ever smiling creatures who was always the perfect idol and never seemed to run out of energy. I, though, prided myself in the fact of having known Nakajima long enough to know better. </p><p>I knew him well enough to tell apart the facets of his smile, from being honest and making his eyes shine with it, to being cute for the camera, to simply and plainly fake. </p><p>And in the last two weeks, his smiles had been nothing but fake. I had not seen a single honest smile, and it began to alarm me increasingly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Absence of your Smile

**Author's Note:**

> So... My first FumaKen One Shot! :D I am pretty excited, to be honest. Have been wanting to write something about them for a while now... So glad I finally came around to do it!
> 
> Please mind that this is my first work on them, and though I've been following their activities obsessively lately, I have not known them that long. I hope I could catch the nature of their characters halfway well. Anyways, they'll be completely different from how I wrote them in my Multichapter, since now I know them better and have a different image of them ^^y
> 
> I already apologize for the way I depictured Shori, though - he's hopelessly OOC XD At first, I did not plan it like that, but then, I needed someone who would fill out this certain role in this story... And there was no one but him, so I needed to adjust his character for my purposes ^^' Next time, I will try to do better.
> 
> And also, for everyone who knows me as a writer, this is probably an unusual rating. The thing was that when I came to the end of this story, the characters still felt too innocent to make it NC-17 yet XD So this is what happened. But I have already written a sequel for this One Shot with a more mature rating, so everyone who is disappointed can look forward to that ;)
> 
> So, enough talking. I really hope you enjoy this!

Fuma’s POV

For most people, Nakajima Kento was one of those dazzling, ever smiling creatures who was always the perfect idol and never seemed to run out of energy. I, though, prided myself in the fact of having known Nakajima long enough to know better. 

I knew him well enough to tell apart the facets of his smile, from being honest and making his eyes shine with it, to being cute for the camera, to simply and plainly fake. 

And in the last two weeks, his smiles had been nothing but fake. I had not seen a single honest smile, and it began to alarm me increasingly. 

Of course I realized that Nakajima was incredibly busy right now. I myself only had just started university, and sometimes, the weight of the new workload made me struggle, wondering if it was really a wise choice to want to manage my career as an idol and my university life parallel. 

But I did not have the additional pressure of a drama and all the promotion work it brought with it. I could hardly imagine what it meant for Nakajima’s energy to rotate between drama filming and band promotion, reading scripts between his university literature, sending emails back and forth with his friends who kept him updated on all the material he had missed when he had been absent from the lectures because of work, giving concerts with the knowledge of a deadline for a paper he only had halfway finished ahead and skipping a night of sleep to finish it… 

I knew that Nakajima was the type who always craved for work, and was ready to take large workloads for his career to process. But that did not mean that his body did not know limits. And I had watched him look increasingly dull for weeks now. Therefore also the absence of his honest smiles. 

Not many people realized this, of course. Most just bought the mask he put on for everyone else’s sake instead of complaining. One of the few persons who did notice, though, apart from me, as much as it bothered me to admit it, was Shori. The look in his eyes when he watched Nakajima resembled the worry I felt. Of course, Shori had always been watching Nakajima a lot, poorly masked under the veil of admiration for a senpai, and it had started to irritate me more than I liked to admit. 

I was not sure why. Maybe it was that I feared that Shori was starting to develop feelings I knew Nakajima would not be able to answer to, and that it would mess up the barely achieved balance in our band. I mean, sure, they had been growing closer, due to the time we had to spend together as only the three of us because of work – we all had grown closer. It was the unavoidable consequence of having been shoved into this band 2 years ago. And I knew that Nakajima enjoyed having someone around who was as responsive to his fanservice attacks as Shori was, when I had only grudgingly reciprocated all these years. But as much as their relationship had improved over the past months, I doubted that it went deeper than this.

Nakajima was reluctant to let people get so close to him that they could see his weaknesses. Had always been, even though he seemed like an incredibly open person to the public eye. But deep down, he had a bunch of insecurities which only few people had the privilege to ever hear about, and I knew that I was one of those, and Shori wasn’t. 

I had always felt a huge responsibility towards my friends, but it had already been a while ago that I had stopped fooling myself into thinking that was all there was to the attachment I felt to Nakajima. He had been by my side through the hardest times, always offering a shoulder to lean on or a comforting smile, and for all that we had been through together, I had long realized that he had grown as close to me as friends could get. Like family, maybe. Best friends. It was hard to find a name for it, but it was there, as undeniable as the fact of the absence of Nakajima’s smiles. 

It was also what made me reach out to him that one day during a Myojo photo shoot, seeing him sit in a corner during the Marius and Sou’s session, rubbing his temples in an obvious attempt to dull his headache, looking paler than ever, even under the tons of make-up. So I quickly stepped out to grab a CC Lemon from the vending machine in the corridors (since Bananas were currently unavailable, without a convenience store or a supermarket nearby) and returned to take my place next to him, ready to have the serious talk that I had danced around for a few days now. 

Nakajima did not look up at me at first, only opening his eyes when I practically shoved the bottle right into his face, before sending me a tired smile, clearly thankful, but still not what I was fishing for. 

“Thanks” he murmured, finally reaching for the drink, opening the bottle and taking a careful sip. All the time, my eyes were on his face.

“Be honest” I spoke up finally, my gaze fixed on the rings under his eyes. “How much did you sleep last night, or the nights before?”

“Not as much as I would have liked to” he admitted, sighing as he closed the lid again. 

“Not as much as you would have _needed_ to, I think” I rephrased sternly. “You need a break, Nakajima.”

He did not answer, just playing with the bottle in his hands, his eyes focused on the photo shoot on the other side of the room. I had to resist the urge the snatch away the bottle again to make him look at me. 

“I’m serious” I stressed. “We have no work tomorrow. Let’s go out together.”

“I have university” he shot back, raising an eyebrow at me. “And you have, too.”

“So let’s skip” I shrugged, and when he raised his eyebrows so high that they disappeared under his bangs in response, I rolled my eyes, groaning: “Don’t look so scandalized, Mister Perfect Student. It’s not unheard of in university, you know, even in an elite institution like Keio. You don’t know how often my friends wanted to lure me into staying in the cafeteria to chat instead of attending a lecture.”

“Still, I’ve been absent for most of the week already because of work” Nakajima returned reproachfully. “I can’t just skip. At least not if I don’t want to repeat this semester.”

“Oh, come on” I scoffed. “You and repeating?! The only thing that would happen to you is having 99 points instead of the perfect 100.” 

Nakajima just rolled his eyes, but otherwise ignored me. I sighed in frustration. 

“I’m serious, you know” I continued, a little more softly. “You really _really_ need a day off. You look like your head is going to explode any minute, and I’d hate to have to scratch your brain from the floor. Not mentioning the shock it would give to the kids.”

That, at least, made Nakajima crack up a little, the smile spreading over his cheeks even if it did not quite reach his eyes. There. We were getting there. 

“You’re weird” he just murmured, and instead of letting me return something, continued: “It will get easier, eventually. Just a few more weeks until the drama is finished, and the tour is over, too.”

I was opening my mouth to protest, but in that moment, the staff called him over for his shots, so he just rose from his seat with a sigh, plopping the bottle back in my hands with a murmured: “Thank you”, and trotted over to the cameras.

I groaned lowly in defeat, glaring into nothing, displeased by the outcome of this talk. ‘A few more weeks’… I was not sure Nakajima would survive a few more weeks like this. I was not even sure he would survive another day like this. 

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Shori looking at me. But when I tried to catch his gaze, he quickly adverted his eyes, seemingly engrossed in the conversation Marius and Sou were having next to him.

***

I waited for a few more days, just to check if there was an indication of a change, before I brought up the subject again. But there was no change, if anything, Nakajima’s condition became worse each day.

Or no, it was not completely true that nothing changed, though I was not quite sure if I was imagining it or not, but it seemed like Nakajima was avoiding me. Not openly, of course, it was not like he was running the moment he saw me (which would have been kind of impossible, seeing how close we worked together), but it were small moments when I looked at him and noticed him not returning my gaze though I was just sure he _must_ have noticed, or how he discreetly made his way over to Shori whenever he was sitting somewhere alone, making it impossible for me to catch him under four eyes. 

I think he wanted to avoid any more scolding from my side, sensing my worry, but still, it began to annoy me. Because this was just not the way it was supposed to go. He was supposed to come to me when things were going wrong, and not run from me. I was supposed to help him. 

It was on a car ride between a variety show and a photo shoot that I managed to squeeze myself in between Nakajima and Shori, which was not quite under four eyes, but at least I ended up with some kind of contact. 

That up close, Nakajima looked even worse, the dark rings under his eyes more prominent against the pale skin… He leaned his forehead against the window of the car the moment our manager started the van, and watching his tired expression, I lost all will to scold him despite the rare chance. 

So I just settled for watching his eyes open and close each time the car caught a bump in the road and his head banged against the window, frown increasing from the trouble of finding rest. So after a few minutes, I found myself reaching out for him, fingers threading through his hair, gently leading his head to rest on my shoulder. 

Nakajima jumped a little in his seat, looking at me with wide eyes. It made me frown. Usually, Nakajima was the one indicating body contact between us; to see him thrown over a simple gesture like this seemed unnatural, somehow. 

“Oh come on” I murmured, trying not to attract too much attention from our band members, but still, I could feel Shori’s eyes on us, like always. “Get over yourself and try to sleep a little. With this traffic, we’ll be on the road at least for an hour. Use the time.” 

Nakajima did not react immediately, and only when I tried to pull him into me again, he retaliated, resting his head against my shoulder. For a moment, he was quite stiff, before he finally settled more comfortably against me, closing his eyes. 

Instinctively, my fingers in his hair started to move, massaging his scalp, a habit I had picked up from whenever one of my younger siblings fell asleep next to me on the couch while watching TV. I only stopped when I noticed Nakajima shivering into me, and I spotted the goosebumbs all over his skin despite the heat of the first spring days. 

“Are you developing a fever?” I asked worriedly, stopping my ministrations and moving my free hand to his forehead, feeling his temperature. It seemed normal. Nakajima also shook his head. 

“No” he murmured. “Just the air con blowing over here, that’s all.”

I frowned, before nodding, removing my hand.

“Don’t stop” he murmured very quietly, and I blinked, before I realized what he was talking about and started to rub his head again. 

“Feels good?” I caught on, and he just nodded, letting out a deep breath and relaxing against me. “Headache again?” Once more, he nodded.

I bit back a comment and continued my caresses until his breathing had evened out and I was positive that he had drifted off to a slumber in the very least. It was only then that I allowed myself to look up and meet Shori’s gaze that had been piercing into me all the time. 

Shori’s head whipped around to look out of the window the moment our eyes met. 

Again, I held back a comment, afraid that it would wake Nakajima. I let him sleep on my shoulder until we arrived at the location for the photo shoot, and it almost broke my heart to have to shake his shoulder to wake him up. 

If possible, he looked even deader than before.

***

I had hoped that by showing my unvoiced support, Nakajima would start relying on me a little more, but still, it felt like he continued to avoid me. I was almost sure I was not imagining it, by now. Even if he was expecting to be scolded by me for the condition he was putting himself into, it was not normal to spend _all_ his breaks with Shori, or if Shori was unavailable, with the Marius and Sou. It freaked me out, and frustrated me to no end. I was a) sure that I had done nothing to deserve a silent treatment, and b) positive that there was another reason despite his insane workload behind his behavior. Other than that, I could not explain myself this sudden distance he was putting in between us. 

It hurt a little, but above all, it irritated me. What was all this hanging around Shori shit about, and where was it coming from?! I was closest to him in the band, and everyone knew that! Even in B.I. Shadow, Hokuto and Yugo had relied on me when Nakajima had become too much to handle. So who did Shori think he was, suddenly stepping in between that?!

Of course, I did not voice these thoughts out loud. And when I snapped at Shori for no reason once or twice, I even felt sorry for it later. It was not like it was his fault.

It was just that the situation felt so incredibly _wrong_. 

So, when I caught Nakajima alone in the dressing room, I cornered him once more, determined to get an answer out of him. 

“So, are you finally going to tell me what is wrong with you?” I asked without any preamble, getting right to the point. “Or does this have to continue until you break down during work time?” 

Nakajima froze, glancing at me through the mirror, but otherwise, did not turn to look at me.

“I don’t know what you are talking about” he murmured, but his voice was wary. “We’ve been through this. I’m just a little overworked, and it will get better once the drama filming is done.”

“That can’t be all there is to it!” I groaned in frustration. “Nakajima, talk to me! I’m your friend, damnit! You are supposed to come to me when you feel shitty!” 

“You are totally blowing this out of proportion!” he shook his head, but still, did not look at me. I wanted to grab his shoulder and turn him around forcefully. Instead, I just clenched my hand into a fist, keeping quiet. 

Without another word, I grabbed my bag and turned for the door. I hesitated for a moment, before murmuring: “You know, I’m here. Whenever you’re ready to tell me what’s really bothering you, I’ll be right here. You know I am.” 

I saw Nakajima gulp at my words, but I bolted for the door without waiting for a response, afraid of what I would say when the conversation continued.

***

It was about 2 days later, when my patience reached its low point. I had just been done with my photo shoot for Duet, only the kids left with their shooting, making my way over to our dressing room. I could hear Nakajima and Shori talk quietly from a distance, only when I reached the door, though, I could make out whole sentences. 

I had just been reaching for the doorknob when I heard Shori’s soothing voice, saying: “I really think you should tell him, you know. It can’t go on like this.”

I froze, my heart passing a beat. I had not yet recovered when Nakajima answered, his voice hushed and a little desperate.

“You know I can’t tell him” he murmured uncomfortably. “Can we please stop talking about this? We have discussed it so many times…”

“He notices that something is off, Kento-Kun!” Shori insisted. “I see the way he looks at you, even if you refuse to meet his eyes. He is worried. You have to eventually tell him _something_. And I think the truth would be best.”

“Just give me some time, okay?” Nakajima groaned. “Until I have it under control. Then everything will be fine again.”

“This is not just something you can gulp down and pretend it never existed, you know that, right?” Shori said carefully. 

“What do you know, anyways?!” Nakajima snapped, and I could literally see Shori taking a step back, even if the door was still between us. “It’s not like you can understand the situation. No one can.”

The two of them fell silent, and my initial shock changed into something more violent – anger. 

I pushed the door open with so much force that both Shori and Nakajima jerked and turned around to stare at me. 

“So” I almost snarled. “I’m very pleased to see that you have no fucking problem to talk with Shori about whatever is bothering you, but won’t talk to me no matter how much I beg you!”

If possible, Nakajima turned even paler at my words, frozen.

“Maybe I was mistaken in the impression that _I’m_ your best friend” I continued. “Maybe it is Shori, after all. Nice to know.” 

At those words, Nakajima seemed to find his voice again, shaking his head violently.

“No” he murmured. “You’re misunderstanding this, Fuma. This is not what this is about!”

“Then what is it about?!” I demanded, nearly shouting now. 

Nakajima fell silent again, biting his lip, not answering. I groaned, shaking my head.

“Fine” I yelled. “Why do I even bother?! I won’t ask anymore! I won’t ever ask again!” 

I grabbed my bag, and Nakajima crossed the distance between us, reaching for my elbow, but I just pushed him away, turning for the door.

“Fuma, wait!” I heard him call after me, but I just dashed through the door, throwing it closed behind me. 

It was only when I arrived at home that I realized that I had never changed out of my photoshoot clothes.

That night, I had about 20 missed calls from Nakajima on my phone before I turned it off for the night.

***

The next morning, when we all came in for work, Nakajima looked even worse than the days before. I wondered if he had even slept a wink this night, but then again, he would not tell me what was wrong anyways, so why even bother asking.

Nakajima did try approaching me from the moment he saw me in the morning, but I just shrugged him off every time he started talking. I received a few reproachful looks from Shori (and shocked ones from the kids), but I ignored all of them, telling myself I had a right to be mad. After all, I had worried about this idiot for weeks, tormenting myself with the question what was wrong and what I could do to make it better… And then, he just went off and talked to Shori instead of me. 

How was that fair?!

But sadly, I had never been very good in being mad and just pretending to not care about the persons I actually did care for the most. So when we started rehearsing for our next Shounen Club performance, and during the dance practice, all the fatigue of the last weeks seemed to catch up with Nakajima, resulting in him to break down… Let’s say I was not able to keep my cool any longer.

I had been trying my best to keep my focus on work and away from Nakajima… Which grew increasingly harder when he kept up messing the dance steps, making us repeat them again and again. It should have already come to me then, that something was off… Nakajima was nothing if not professional. Him messing up like this must have meant something bad. 

It was during one of the quicker parts of our performance that I noticed Nakajima losing track. It distracted me enough to mess up my part as well, turning to look at him, and it was all I could do to reach out to him before he crashed to the floor. 

“Nakajima!” I called frantically, brushing his sweaty hair out of his face to be able to look at him, but his eyes were closed, and he did not seem to hear me. I felt his forehead, realizing that he was burning up with a fever. “Shit” I murmured, a little panicked. 

“I’m calling an ambulance!” Shori murmured, and for once, I was thankful that he was here. 

Everyone started buzzing around me, and it was all I could do to hold onto Nakajima for now, because I seemed incapable to do anything else.

***

While waiting in the hospital corridors, I was as anxious as I had never felt before. It was like a hand clawed at my heart, pressing down again and again until I had trouble breathing. 

I was so on edge that I even started arguing with Shori. 

“I saw this coming” I cursed, roaming around, not being able to sit still. “I have told him for weeks to take a break. _Weeks_. But no…”

“Well maybe, if you had paid more attention to him, it would have never come to this!” Shori snapped, taking me off guard. I could see Marius and Sou staring at him like they were seeing a ghost.

“Excuse me?!” I demanded when I had recovered slightly, turning to him. “I have been _begging_ him to talk to me! What do you want me to do?!”

“If you had paid more attention, you would have not needed to talk to him to know what was wrong!” Shori groaned. “I figured it out by myself, and we both know you know him better and longer than I do!”

Shori’s words hit me like a slap. For a moment, I was only able to stare at him, before he continued: “Or maybe it’s not right that you did not pay attention, I think you just did not _want_ to see what was really going on. You’re always doing that, trying to keep this artificial distance between you and Kento-Kun! I wonder what it is that you are afraid of!”

“I don’t even know what the heck you are talking about!” I yelled finally, making people in the corridors look at me reproachfully. “ _He_ was the one not telling me what was wrong. _He_ kept the distance, not me!”

“Well, who is the one calling him by his last name even though you call everyone else by their first?!” Shori challenged, making my words die in my throat. “You created an atmosphere in which Kento-Kun did not dare to speak up!”

“That’s bullshit!” I groaned. “Kento knows exactly how much he means to me! We have been friends long enough for that! We _know_ each other!”

“And yet, here you are” Shori pointed out. “With him being in the hospital and you not having a clue about what is going on, when I was able to figure it out.”

For a moment, I really considered punching Shori. Then, I got a hold of myself, and turned my back to him, stalking down the corridor.

“Fuma-Kun, where are you going?!” I heard Sou call after me.

“Home!” I groaned. “I don’t know what I will do if I stay here!”

***

I ended roaming around the neighborhood for hours, until the sun began to set and I did finally find a subway station to bring me home. Shori’s words kept haunting me, and the idea that he understood Nakajima better than me was just about killing me. 

It was not supposed to be like this. _I_ was the person closest to him. That had been an unshakeable fact.

What had I missed to make this change?!

It was only when I arrived home, that I got a message from Sou.

_“Kento-Kun woke up. The doctors said it was fatigue and a cold, he has to stay hospitalized for the night and can return home tomorrow. He is strictly advised to rest for the rest of the week. Manager said he would figure out how to adjust our schedule tomorrow._

_PS: Kento-Kun asked about you. We said you had other arrangements and needed to go home. We thought it better to not mention your fight with Shori-Kun in front of him, but he is not stupid. He thinks it has to do with him that you left. Maybe you should call him tomorrow.”_

I went straight to bed that night, not caring for food or anything else. Still, I did not get a wink of sleep, only thinking of Nakajima.

***

After a futile try to focus on University in the morning, I found myself on the train to the Nakajima’s house. I figured that, if I did not talk to Nakajima now, I would eventually go crazy. 

But when I finally arrived there, and brought up the courage to ring the doorbell, no one answered. With a short look through the window of the garage, I realized that their car was gone, too. Maybe they were just picking him up from the hospital.

In the end, I settled down at their doorstep, curled in a ball and waiting for them to return. I got out my phone to check the time, when my eyes fell on a small purikura I had placed on its back. 

It was still out of B.I. Shadow times, but I had treasured it for a long time now, always having had trouble letting go of our old band. I focused on the way Nakajima’s arm was slung around my shoulder, and how he made kissy lips into the camera, completely carefree and without the tiniest bit of fear to approach me. 

I missed those days. I missed when there was nothing in between us. When had that changed? What had happened? 

I clenched the phone in my hand, only being able to cling to one decision – I would not lose Nakajima. While everything had been a mess, changing band members and friends, he had always remained the one closest to me, and not for anything in the world, I would let this go. 

I did not wake up from my thoughts until I heard a familiar voice call out my name. 

“Fuma?” 

I looked up, seeing Nakajima approach me carefully. His mother was right behind him, looking at me in surprise. 

“Kikuchi-Kun!” she called. “What are you doing here?”

I stood up quickly, fishing for words, but not finding any. What I brought out when I finally found my voice was: “How are you?”

“Better” Nakajima said quietly, not quite looking at me. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”

“You should be!” his mother scolded firmly, passing both of us to open the door. “For weeks, I have told you to take better care of yourself, but no… Please watch out for him, Kikuchi-Kun. He is a danger for himself.”

“I know” I murmured, eyes focusing on Nakajima’s. He did not seem to be able to look back, though. 

“Now come in, you two, come in!” His mother demanded finally, practically hushing us into the house. After that, she tried to fuss over us for a little longer, until Nakajima demanded embarrassedly for her to leave us alone so we could talk. 

When we finally reached the privacy of his room, the mood between us turned awkward, which was a first, really. Nakajima and I never had awkward silences, not with him always talking and me just blurting out whatever came to my mind. I thought we would be incapable of having them, but apparently, I was wrong.

I plopped down onto his bed and Nakajima seemed at a loss of what to do for a moment before I reached for his wrist and pulled him down next to me. 

“We need to talk” I said quietly, meeting those familiar brown eyes with a slight anxiety of what was to come. 

But for once, Nakajima did not look away, even if he seemed just as scared as I was, if not worse. 

“Why does Shori know things about you that I don’t?” I said finally, voicing out just what was bothering me the most. “Why don’t you talk to me anymore, Na-“ With a pang, I remembered Shori’s words, and cut myself off, hesitantly correcting: “… Kento?”

Nakajima… No, Kento looked at me with wide eyes at the sound of his first name out of my mouth. Fair enough, it had been years since I last used it, after all. 

“What happened?” I concluded finally, my voice turning a little pleading. “What is wrong with you?” 

Kento gulped, and his fist clenched, making the muscles on his arm tensing where I was still holding onto him. Finally, he murmured: “First of all, I never meant to talk to Shori. He just… he figured out what was going on all by himself, and somehow, I could not escape him after that. He can be pretty persistent if he wants to.”

“Yeah, it’s surprising me, too” I murmured a little regretfully.

“I… I never meant to keep things from you” Kento continued, his voice rough. “It was just… I was feeling things that were out of my control, and before I knew it… Things were a mess.”

“Then why did you not tell me?!” I insisted. “Whatever it was, I would have understood!”

“You say that like it’s so easy” Kento sighed, breaking our eye contact. “When it’s anything but.”

“Try me” I said quietly, squeezing where I was still holding onto his wrist in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. “I’m here now, right? I’m listening.”

Kento took a shaky breath, looking at me hesitantly, and the fear in his eyes made me want to reach out to him and hug him. It threw me a little – I was not used to feeling so protective of Kento. Worried, maybe, but this… It was something else entirely. 

“You see, I was… It was just that I…” Kento started, and then cut himself off again, obviously not quite sure what to say, or how to say it. “I suddenly noticed that I had these… feelings. Feelings that I was not supposed to have.”

I blinked, frowning. 

“I don’t think I get you” I said honestly. “What feelings?”

Kento bit his lips, before whispering, barely audible: “Feelings for you.”

I stared at Kento, letting the words sink in, before I let out a confused: “… Huh?”

“You see, I…” Kento murmured, his voice a little choked. “At first, I thought I was imagining it, I just began to enjoy… being around you a little… too much, and then… it was just like… when we were close, or I was touching you, I just…” Kento took a deep breath, before concluding: “I needed a while, to figure out what it meant.”

“And what does it mean?” I murmured, needing to remind myself to breathe.

“That I love you” Kento whispered, catching my eyes. “Not as a friend, or even like a brother… I am _in love_ with you, Fuma. And to be honest, it scares the shit out of me.”

I could feel my hand shaking where I was still holding onto Kento, but somehow, I was unable to let go. In my mind, everything was spinning. Love? Kento? _Me_?! But… how?!

“I know that you don’t feel the same way” Kento said finally, his voice shaking. “I know that you don’t… Swing that way. Heck, I did not even know _I_ swing that way. It’s just… I…” Kento trailed off, letting the sentence hang in the air. 

My heart was racing a thousand miles an hour. I stared at Kento, inwardly shouting at myself to say something, to think, to just do _anything_ , but it felt like I was frozen. 

When I had been asked stupid rhetorical questions in interviews about if I were a girl, who out of the band would I date, I had always said that no one, never. And especially not Kento, because we just would just not fit together. We were too different for that.

But this was no rhetorical question. This was not fucking Myojo or Poporo or even some lame concert MC joke. This was _real_ , and Kento was serious, and I could see by the look in his eyes how horrified he was. 

I was horrified myself. 

“Please, Fuma, say something” Kento murmured at last, his voice weak. “Anything.”

“I don’t know what to say” I said honestly, my voice shaking just as badly as his. 

“I’m sorry” Kento whispered. “I… I did not want to tell you. I wanted to keep it to myself, but… you wanted to know. So…”

“I know” I nodded. “And it’s good that you told me.” And it was the truth – the thought of Kento agonizing over his feelings by himself all this time… it was cruel. 

It made me want to hug him and not let go ever again, until he would smile again, just the way I liked to see it on him. 

“But… it changes everything, doesn’t it?” Kento whispered, barely audibly. “I did not want things to change between us. I did not want to lose you.”

Something inside of me clenched, because I _knew_ that feeling, knew it so well that it almost choked me… And before I knew it, I had reached out to pull him close to me. 

It was different – Kento and I had hugged before, but never like this, clinging to each other like our life depended on it, both of us shaking like a leaf, unwilling to let go. 

And then it dawned onto me that maybe, this was what Shori had been talking about. Maybe he was right – as desperately as I had clung to his last name, I had clung to that tiny bit of safety distance between us. 

I had said I felt safer, calling him Nakajima, and now that I thought about it, calling him Kento had felt that tiny bit too intimidate… Not with others, though. Only with him. 

Every time we had gotten too close because of fanservice or photo shoots... Every time Kento had become a little bit too affectionate, making me feel uncomfortable…

It came all back to this. Maybe I really had been too scared of what I would feel if I just let it happen.

“I…” I stuttered, finally speaking up. “I think that maybe… I… I might return your feelings.”

Kento stopped breathing for a moment. There was a short silence, in which I wondered if I should remind him that air was kind of necessary, until he pulled away a little, enough so that he could look me in the eyes.

“Are you serious?” Kento whispered, his hand fisting my shirt at my side, still shaking.

I gulped, looking into his eyes, and… yes, this feeling. It could only mean one thing.

“Yes” I breathed finally. “Yes, I think I am.” 

Kento only stared at me, seeming like he was still deciding whether to believe me or not, or maybe if that whole thing was a fantasy brought on by overwork… And it was then, that I thought: Now or never.

So I leaned forward, crossing that tiny bit of distance between us to press our lips together. 

It was nothing more than a brush of lips, at first, neither of us daring to move much, but still, it made my skin tingle more than I could have ever imagined. 

It was Kento who deepened the kiss, moving his lips against mine more determinedly, as if deciding that, if I was still going to change my mind, at least he would get the best out of it. 

But hell, as if I would change my mind _now_ , of all times, when it felt so good that I wondered why I had spent so long denying myself of this. One of my hands wandered to his hair, feeling the silky strands under my fingers and holding his head close, making clear that I would not let him go anywhere. 

I only allowed us to break apart when air became an issue, and even then, I held him so close that I could still feel his breath on my lips. 

“You should have really told me sooner” I panted, not quite managing to catch my breath yet. “It would have saved us a lot of trouble.”

Kento chuckled, and _there_ , _this_ was the smile I had waited for all these weeks. The one that lightened up his whole face, and made me feel all warm inside. 

“Sorry” Kento murmured. “Not going to happen again, I swear.”

“Good” I nodded, and then I leaned in, just having to kiss him again to keep all the insanely creepy things I was suddenly feeling from stumbling out of my mouth and embarrassing me. 

This was different, certainly. It would need some getting used to. But the important thing was that we would go through it _together_.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo... How did you like it?? :D I am desperate for any comments, so please let me know what you think! :D 
> 
> Also, please look forward to the sequel, it will be less angsty and more comedy, I had a lot of fun writing it! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
